So, I am 24, single and I live in a wonderful city. Munich to be more precise. As far as I can remember, I felt fine. But there is this one thing making me really nervous all of a sudden.
I happened to look around and suddenly everyone started settling down. I sometimes ask myself, when did this actually happen. I remember me and my friends fooling around in front of a photo booth, taking silly pictures and making all kinds of funny faces. I remember knowing the Uffie lyrics by heart and singing aloud “I am like that cold ass bitch and I aint ready to suck”. So here I am just 10 years later and I am stuck up with myself, not knowing what to do next.
Well I am finishing the university this FALL and all I know is “I know nothing”. I did all those fancy internships, always feeling like I was some kind of imposter, not really good enough for the real position, trying to hide my weakness, be desireable, likeable and competent. And then I peek on one of those job postings and I realize, this world is a hell of a place, where every random employer wants you to be a superstar. I even ask myself, where are all those people like me, the ones who are not the superstars but would like to get a job which is apparently only meant for superstars. The truth is I don’t know.
Everyone I see or meet is somehow special, they do really special stuff and I have a lot of respect for their way of life. This one friend of mine has a boyfriend and he is a carpenter. Now I know this might not sound fancy enough. But the thing is he is not just any random carpenter. He is a carpenter who made his passion turn to reality. He has great clients, he owns his own company and he is the employer of at about 20 people. When I look at him I force myself in questioning my own choices. I did everything I thought was necessary to lead a successful life. Actually I feel like I did everything for a good CV. Starting from some voluntary work to language classes, good grades and a semester abroad. And here I am, nothing is good enough, I am not good enough. I can’t help feeling like an imposter and while I kept on focusing on my dreams of self-actualization, something else happened, my friends started settling down.
At the beginning I said I felt fine, but every now and then I get this idea of lying to myself and convincing my poor old soul of being fine. The thing is my best friends are either in a functioning long term relationship or they have recently met some serious love interests. And me, well me, I recently got Tinder, Voo, Cuddlr and co.